And the tests…oh my God the tests!


If you have ever watched a movie where people go running down shopping isles in search of pregnancy test only to be overwhelmed by all the options and end up pretty much scooping every test into their cart, you will then be able to picture me perfectly.  I gave Steve the, “Honey, I got this!” look and I was on my way into the deep, deep trenches of ovulation and pregnancy tests.  As in the movies, the end result was me, scooping out a bunch of options into the cart, lowering my head to overt the eyes of nosy shoppers, and looking for the friendly lady who won’t give me the, “So what are you up to?” look.  

I can’t say my hopes weren’t high when following the doctors orders of tracking and testing.  Ok they were skyrocketing.  I am a fixer by nature, so all I needed to do was take these tests and track, and we would have our baby…right?  Wrong.  Months of testing and tracking came and went and the only double pink lines we got were to show it was “our window”.  One time Steve thought the double pink ovulation lines were really the  “Hey your struggle is over” lines, and it broke my heart to have to tell him that we were not pregnant.  Can’t they make those stupid lines a different colors for different kits?  I mean, they put a man on the moon but they can’t figure  out how to give ovulation and pregnancy test different testing colors?

We continued this robotic pattern for 5 1/2 months.  Life was becoming so programmed and it was no longer exciting like when we first started trying, but instead life became consumed by worry, sadness, and little bit of frustration.  Then I received a call from Steve that I had been secretly dreading for the past month.  His youngest sister was pregnant.  It happened on their first try.  I had just been told that they were going to start trying, and had a feeling it was going to be easy for them.  My heart literally fell out of my chest and onto my car floor.  I parked and told Steve I needed to go.  Quickly I sent her a congratulations text, avoiding a break down on my end during an exciting time for her, and then I put my head down on my steering wheel and cried.  Crying may be an understatement.  A tsunami is truly a better description.  I’m surprised my car and I didn’t float away.   Text started coming in from the whole family about how exiting this was and there was finally going to be a baby in the family.  Was I excited for everyone?  Yes.  Absolutely!  This was something that Steve’s family had been dying for.  I mean on the day of our wedding, my mother-in-law looked at me and said, “Let’s get this thing over with so we can start having grandbabies!”  I just had always hoped it would be us.  So, his family was getting the baby they had always wanted, and I was off to get more tests.




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