And so the journey begins…

I met my husband, Steve, through a mutual friend and I knew in about two weeks that I was going to marry this man.  He was handsome, creative, funny, caring, and I just knew he would be a wonderful father one day.  As in most relationships, we would have discussions about what our future would look like, and of course that included kids.  How many would we have?  What would their names be?  What would they be into?  What type of parents would we be?  After we were married, we discussed when we wanted to start a family.  We were worried about starting too soon, so we waited for three years before trying to get pregnant.  I will never forget the excitement we felt and how real the feeling of having a family felt once we decided it was time.  It was no longer a “what if” but a when. 

My sister became pregnant very easily, and I was expecting the same fate.  Month after month we continued to see that single pink line and I found myself channeling my art degree.  Am I really only seeing one pink line or is my mind playing tricks on me and there really is two?  Is the perspective correct? Is the distance between the two lines just incredibly close together and it is really two lines?  Is the coloring right?  Maybe it is not the right pink hue, so that must make this test defective.  I can’t even begin to count the number of hours spent staring at a stupid plastic stick that held my hopes and dreams.  Month after month we continued to try and month after month we watched as people around us became pregnant and we still showed that single pink line.

We were trying our best to stay positive and keep busy so that we would not be consumed with getting pregnant and on Friday nights we loved to curl up and watch our favorite show, Modern Family.  It just gave us time to laugh and forget about everything else.  If you are familiar with the show, you know who Mitch and Cam are.  If not, let me fill you in with a very shortened version.  Mitch and Cam are an amazingly funny and loving gay couple who have adopted a daughter and are hoping/trying to adopt another child.  There was one night we were watching an episode where Mitch and Cam were wondering what their own biological child would look like.  Cam found a website where he could uploaded a photo of each of them and it would give them an image of what their child would look like.  I looked at Steve and said, “Ummm…hello, I’m totally trying this!”  I found a site and thought I would put it to the test to see if it was accurate.  My sister has two kids, so I used her and my bother-in-law as guinea pigs.  I uploaded their picture and was shocked at the outcome.  I thought Modern Family helped me to laugh, but this just trumped it ten-fold.  The first photo below is of my sister and brother-in-law and the second is of their “child”.  Take a look and let me know your thoughts…

 

I’m going to go out on a limb here and declare that I don’t think this looks like it could be there child.  Needless to say, we didn’t really put much stock in the reliability of the site, but man did it make us laugh hard.

Steve and I continued to try and prayed for those two pink lines, however after 14 months, we decided to go see my doctor for some advice.  She told us to try for another 8 months and to document EVERYTHING.   We were instructed to purchase an ovulating kit, an ovulation calendar, and to also take my temperature every morning, but above all, to just relax.  Riiiigghhhttt, relax.  After that long list?  Sure…relax…easy peasy…yeah right.  But, we wanted our family, so were all in.

 

Life is an adventure meant to be lived!

IMG_28080-hubby and me

Step 1 of life: Your are born! 

Step 2 of life: Go to school and graduate high school. 

Step 3 of life: Go to college and graduate.  

Step 4 of life: Meet the person of your dreams and get married.  

Step 5 of life: Buy a house.

Step 6 of life:  Have children. 

Step 7 of life:  Have…hold on (INSERT RECORD SKIP). 

Hey steps of life…wait a second.  What about those of us who don’t get this path and are instead given a different path and a different set of steps?  What do we do and where do we go to figure out what to do?  Who do we lean on?  How do we find people to relate to?

Well…that is just what I am trying to figure out.  Life has thrown me many different steps and paths, and number 6 being the biggest.  I was lucky enough to meet the man of my dreams and married him, but we found that we were unable to have children.  Now what? 

Trying to find someone…anyone who could spin a positive perspective on life after infertility was to say the least…IMPOSSIBLE!  Every place kept telling me to continue and wait for our miracle or to just relax and let it happen.  That our time would come.  No one ever said that you will learn who will be there for you and understand, and who will make your pain worse.  That you will sometimes feel alone and like you don’t fit in.  That you will feel isolated and like it is not ok to talk about this and your struggle and pain is meant to be kept quiet. No one ever said that it’s ok to say enough is enough.  That it is ok to cry and mourn because you have to figure out how to reconfigure your dreams and goals while you watch others easily get what you tried so hard for.

I decided that I didn’t want to sit and be silent about our struggle any longer.  I wanted to share our story because it didn’t end with a little miracle baby, and I am pretty sure others have experienced the same.  I want to show there is a life after infertility and it can be full of fun and adventure.  That, although infertility can cause major strain on a marriage, it can also create an unbelievable bond that you realize is unbreakable. 

My hope for this blog is to show that infertility and not being able to have children is not a death sentence, but just a new and different path then expected.  That you are not alone and that your feelings and emotions are justified.  That you are going to have to make decisions that you never thought you would and end friendships that you thought would last forever. 

Welcome!  I am excited to share my story with you, to help you realize that you are not alone, and to show you that there is an amazing adventure waiting for you after infertility.